day 11-14

I have had a rough couple of days.  My husband and I have been talking more and more about adoption and what the right path for us is.  We have been leaning more towards state adoption because the wait isn't as long to be placed with a child as it would be to do a private adoption.

My husband started a new job this week at a radio station and is loving it.  His coworker just went through a heartbreaking journey and I feel brokenness for her.  Her and her husband were approached at their church by a young girl to adopt her baby.  The baby was born a week ago and she changed her mind and decided to keep the baby.  Although I know what it is like to lose a baby I can't even imagine the pain her heart is feeling.  

I have heard many stories like this where the mom changes her mind, and yes she has every right to.  However, with this story hitting so close to home for us, it helped to solidify our decision to not do private adoptions.  Although we want an infant, I couldn't go through this kind of heart break.

I know my emotional and mental state isn't really ready yet to adopt.  I'm still working on being ok with the understanding that adoption could be our only option to have kids.  With 16 friends pregnant around me it makes it that much harder.  It is hard to talk to friends about my pain, emotions, questions, confusions etc because I never know if one of them is pregnant or trying to get pregnant.  We never want one of our friends to be afraid of telling us about their news and joy.  I never want to offend someone or make them feel like they are going to offend me.  

This is the part of the journey that no one talks about.  You see that people are pregnant and have babies but you never hear about the journey.  I have learned out common fertility problems are and how many people struggle with this type of thing.  The hardest part is knowing that 2 of my friends that are pregnant got pregnant again less than 6 months after their miscarriage and one of them is pregnant with twins.  I am happy for them but it is hard to stifle those feelings of what am I getting the short end of the stick.  Why is everyone else getting their joys, but I'm still sitting empty with no child to show for it.

I struggle with the thoughts that creep into my mind about people that shouldn't have kids and do, the ones that take it for granted, the ones that complain about being pregnant or tired and ow hard it is.  I know that being a parent is the hardest job in the world, I know that it is exhausting and doesn't always bring about joy.  However, I would trade places at any moment with the pregnant lady complaining about it or the new mom complaining about how tired she is.  

Being a parent is a precious gift that not everyone gets to have and it kills me to watch people abuse it.

We are house hunting and while walking through a model home we met a couple that is at the retirement stage of their life.  She shared with me that she and her husband were one of the first couples to try IVF in ohio.  she said that after the procedure they had to put them in a closet they changed into a room for them to hide them from the media.  IVF didn't work for them and they never adopted.  They did spoil their nieces and nephews and enjoyed that.

I fear that my husband and I will never be able to have a child at all through adoption or naturally.  I fear that because we don't live close enough to our nephew that we won't have a relationship close enough that we can spoil him and he can become our "adopted" child.

I don't like the big life unknowns.  I don't like not knowing if I will or won't have a child.  Early in the journey it was WHEN we have a child and that has turned to IF we have a child.  I continue to pray that God prepares my heart for what our journey is and prepares me for children or prepares my heart to not have children.