Part of the life change I'm looking for, is a shift in my thinking about having a baby. You can go back and look through my blog to get an idea of the journey I have been on but here is a short overview. My husband and I got married on July 11, 2009. We knew from the start we wanted a family and decided to start trying right away. We got pregnant on the 3rd try. It was bittersweet because I found out I was pregnant on the 1 year anniversary of our proposal, but it was also about 2 weeks after my grandpa passed away. I was thrilled because in my mind, the baby I was carrying had my grandpa's spirit. On the morning of January 8th I woke up and had some light spotting. That light spotting soon turned into more and we went to the ER. They did an ultrasound (my first ultrasound) and we were able to see the baby and the heart beat. The problem was the baby was measuring at around 6 weeks and I was almost 10 weeks. They sent me home and told me I was fine, but I might miscarry. We were home for a few hours when it happened. It was like a balloon burst. It was horrible and traumatic. My husband and just run out to the store. I was scared I was bleeding out and would pass out or die even. We called the hospital they told us we didn't need to come in unless the bleeding got to a certain point. For the rest of the night I tried to sleep but was in a ball of pain, fear, emotions etc. We left the hospital thinking everything was fine.
It has been 2 years and almost 3 months since we lost our little Zoe. We didn't know if she was a girl but in my heart I knew she was. We named her Zoe because Zoe means life. Since the miscarriage I have been to 3 different doctors and finally found one that will help us. I'm convinced that something isn't working properly in my body since the miscarriage because I haven't had regular cycles. I did 3 rounds of clomid with no luck. My husband has a slightly low count but the doctor wasn't concerned about it because it was so close to normal. I have been been angry at God. for the majority of these 2 years. Everyone keeps telling us, "When it's meant to be it will happen," "just be patient," "Have fun trying," "Sometimes miscarriages are blessings in disguise." It is to the point that if one more person says something like that to me I think I will snap. I can't understand that if Zoe wasn't meant to be then why did I get pregnant in the first place.
It has been a long emotional journey. My husband and I have fought for no other reason than we both have deep hurt from our loss. After years of soul searching, praying and wonderful friends we have had a change of heart. We have decided that we will be parent's but sometimes people don't get to have their own babies the natural way. Some babies come to us through other outlets. We will be starting the adoption process in a few weeks. We have prayed long and hard to find peace in our hearts to know that God is still in control. "The Lord gives and Lord takes away, Blessed be the Lord." Sometimes we never understand God's plan for our lives, but I have to trust and know that their is a purpose. God doesn't want us to suffer, and he definitely doesn't want us to suffer alone. He wants us to have bold faith in every aspect of our lives and to jump in and to not look back. I will always have hurt in my heart over the losing Zoe, but I know she will be in heaven waiting for us. One day we will get to hold our angel and we will not only be in presence but in the presence of the Lord.
No comments:
Post a Comment