Introduction

My name is Kristen, I'm 27 and live in Sarasota with my husband Matt and dog Blossom.  I work as a youth director at a church and love it.  This is my first time blogging so I just ask that you hang with me as I figure everything out.

I'm starting this blog as a place to begin the healing process and write out my experiences.  I also want to share my likes and dislikes as well as interesting things I come across throughout my life's journey.  I am starting the journey of finding hope in everything I do.  Here is the story of what has gotten me to this point.

I would categorize the end of 2009-2010 as the worst year ever. My husband lost his job in April 2009, and were married in July.  In November 2009 my Grandfather passed away. It was sudden but he was extremely sick and eventually his body gave up.  I was so devastated and couldn't believe that he was gone.  Health wise I always thought my grandma would have gone first because she has had the most problems.  Since his death I feel as if my family has been torn apart.  My dad's way of dealing with things was different from the way his siblings dealt with things.  He felt that he and my mom were the ones taking the initiative to care for his parents for the last few years to prepare for when a time like this would come.  All of the sudden his siblings step in and want to do their own things. It turned into a lot of he said she said, someone telling my grandmother one thing and turning her against my dad.  I witnessed some of the events that took place and the story that came after was 100% untrue.  I think at this point what happened won't ever be able to be mended between my dad and his siblings. 

2 weeks after my grandfather passed I found out I was pregnant.  I was so happy and excited because all I have wanted for as long as I can remember is that I wanted to be a mom.  If money weren't an obstacle I would be like Michelle Duggar, however realistically I know we would never have the funds to have a family that large.  The morning of January 8 when I woke up I knew in my heart something was not right.  I went to the bathroom and noticed I had some spotting.  My heart dropped because I knew it couldn't be good news.  I called the doctor but they weren't open yet and the after hours mailbox was full.  When they finally opened they told me just to monitor myself and if it got worse to call them back or go to the hospital.  As the day went on the pain got worse and the spotting increased.  I decided it was time to go to the ER around 4:00 that afternoon.  Once there they did an ultrasound.  I knew that I was almost 10 weeks along and my ultrasound was scheduled for that next Tuesday so I had done my research on what I would see at that ultrasound.  When I was looking on the screen the baby was much smaller than it should have been and measured at 6 weeks.  There was a heartbeat so I started to think maybe I just wasn't as far along as I had thought.  I was sent home and made to believe that I was fine and to just take it easy.  Around 10:00pm that night I rushed to the bathroom to find I was bleeding very heavily.  It was almost like a water balloon breaking.  Matt had run to the store for me so I was by myself and panicking.  I knew it was over. The reality hit me that I was never going to hold this baby.  The emotions that came over me were so intense and it was like getting hit with every emotion you could possibly feel at the same time.
We got a hold of our families to tell them the news.  Matt's family was traveling in Florida because his sister was having a baby shower that I was supposed to attend the next day.  His mom (she used to be a nurse) offered to come down to be with us, but I just couldn't take her away from my sister-in-law's first baby shower.
I went to the doctor first thing Monday morning and when I walked into the waiting room, it was full of very pregnant women.  I sat there with Matt for about 5 minutes doing everything I could to hold myself together to not burst into tears.  When we finally got into our room we waited for what seemed like hours.  A nurse came in and started asking me the following questions: "So this is your first pregnancy?  This one is always the most exciting."  I responded hesitantly yes.  She then asks me, "it says in your file you think you are having a girl?"  I responded, "No actually, we are here because we don't think we have a baby any more."  Apparently they had gotten my file mixed up with someone else, talk about pouring salt on an open sore.  The doctor did verify that we had lost the baby.
Since that day I have felt like a piece of me is missing.  I withdrew from family and friends about how I was really feeling.  I didn't know how to express what I was going through and I didn't think anyone would understand.  My loss was public because it was announced at church and I was afraid to break down in front of everyone that asked me how I was or gave their sympathies.  It has almost been a year and I still feel like it just happened.  The only difference is that I am finally at the place where I can talk openly about it.
I question why it happened to me.  I would never wish this on anyone but I had thoughts of why didn't it happen to any of the other people I knew that were pregnant at the same time as me, why did it have to be me.  I was mad.  Mad at God for taking my baby away.  It isn't fair!!!
Although I still feel that it isn't fair, I'm starting to find peace with what happened.  I wouldn't say that I am healed or over it, but I'm in the process of healing.
It would still be nice to have recognition for our angel baby.  At times I think no one remembers what happened to us, or that I'm still grieving but at the same time I don't want people to make a big deal out of it either.
Matt and I have been trying to have another baby since my miscarriage with no luck.  I went to the doctor to find out why we had been trying for over a year and haven't had a successful pregnancy.  She told me it was because I was overweight and sent me home with a prescription of birth control and the number to the YMCA.  This was my lowest point after everything had happened and I had reached my breaking point.  For the sake of our marriage and my sanity we decided to take a break from trying for a few months and just live.

As 2011 approaches Matt and I are hopeful that things will start to turn around and we will have things to celebrate rather than mourn.