20 months

It has now been 20 months since Matt and I have been trying to have a baby...20 months. 16 months since my miscarriage and it still feels like yesterday. I have seen two different doctors...one got my file mixed up with someone else so when I went in to check and see if my miscarriage was complete, she asked me if i was excited to be having my first baby and your file says it's a girl. (Matt and I were convinced our baby was a girl). The 2nd doctor told me, at my "I've been trying for a year and I want to know what's wrong with me" visit, told me I weighed too much and I wouldn't be a responsible parent and able to teach my child how to be healthy. She sent me home with birth control and the phone number to the YMCA. So here I sit still without a child to call my own. It is so hard to be happy and excited for others that get to experience this joy. It's not that I'm not happy for them..it's just I'm having an internal struggle with why can't I have a baby. Why do the women that do drugs and are abusive get to have lots of babies and i can't even have one. Every month that goes by makes my heart break even more and makes me want to just give up. Maybe god doesn't want us to have a baby. Maybe we aren't meant to be parents.